songfic collection
by Neish
Summary: The first chapter is a song fic for Zelgadis, next chapter for Xellos. More songfics to come.
1. 4 AM

  
  


A/N: This is a very angst fic, I used the song 4 a.m. from Our Lady peace. One of my fave Canadian bands^_^ Enjoy the fic people.

D/C: Slayers belongs to the proper people, yadda yadda... 4. A.M. belongs to OLP.

PS: the / / thing is the song cause my stupid computer wouldn't let me do italics in HTML format!! Oh yeah...the like 2 times Zelgadis talks, he's singing the song.  


~*~*~*~

Darkness, around the room in deep serenity. Only a breath could be heard over the silence that drew on for what seemed like forever. A figure sat in a corner with his knees to his chest and his arms wrapped around them to secure them to himself. A voice began to rise from the shadows in a song.

"/I walked around my good intentions and found that there were none.../" The voice sang low, the vocalist seemed cut and bleeding from the soul as in continued on " /I blame my father for the wasted years, we hardly talked/"

Zelgadis stepped out from his corner and looked out the window, drops of rain that looked too much like his wasted tears stained it's cold glass. The dark and dead-like atmosphere felt heavy on his shoulders, just like all his pain weighted him down.

/I never thought I would forget this hate, then a phone call made me realize.../ 

As he wiped his hand on the glass, he couldn't feel the cold or the moisture from the outside. 

/...I'm wrong/

He brushed his hand against the night stand that sat next to him. On it was a picture, he collected it and rubbed thumb over the face. A weak smile traced his lips and he remembered the good old days.   
  
/If I don't make it known that, I've loved you all along just like the sunny days that we ignore because we're all dumb & jaded/

He crushed the picture in his hand. His fist shook as a tear fell from his face onto his hand. Horrible memories washed over the good and he felt sick now.

/And I hope to God I figure out...what's wrong./ 

He stumbled over to his bed and collapsed on it, his body was too heavy to lift, pain and sorrow made him weak. He looked to his ceiling, rain was seeping through slowly. A drop made it's way to the ground and with hardly a sound it crashed and exploded on the floor, just like Zelgadis's willpower and faith had.  
  
/I walked around my room not thinking, just sinking in this box/

He rolled over and saw something glint in the low light, it caught his eye like a moth drawn to a flame. Was this a new unobtainable desire he was looking at? 

/I blame myself for being too much like somebody else/ 

He weakly pushed himself for the objet he wanted now more then anything, he needed this. He felt the cool blade against his fingers. He finally reached something he so very much wanted.....Relief.

/I never thought I would just bend this way/ 

He sat up with the dagger in the palm of his hand. He squeezed it and the edges cut deeply in his hand. He felt blood run on his fingers and he took the dagger, he cut his right wrist and then his left. Blood poured out quickly, there was no pain or regrets now. All there was, was relief....

"/And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong..../" He coughed his last words before letting the dagger slide to the floor with a sharp 'cling'.  


~*~*~*~

*kicks self* I can't believe I did THAT! That wasn't how I wanted to end this but...lets just say I got caught up in the dark mood. Now, for the questions you might have. 

1. Zelgadis starts singing the first part of the song but then I change it to just inserting it into the fic until the last line of the song, I wanted to be dramatic.

2. The picture.... You can guess who's picture it was of but all I'll say is "sore wa himitsu desu". I made it so, Z/L fans can think it's Lina and Z/A can think it's Amelia...or Xellos for those who like Z/X ^_^ and 

3. How was Zelgadis able to cut himself with a knife? Well I figured the wrist was probably one of the most sensitive spots because of the vain there, and the hand...well...I dunno. Could you believe the dagger was really, really, really sharp? Anyway, R/R!!!


	2. sell my soul

--> 

D/C: I don't own Slayers. I own only the plot of the story so take it and err....DIE! Muhahahahah!!! Oh yeah, the song is "Sell My Soul" by Our Lady Peace. And that's also not mine.:P  
  
A/N: I am a frim believer that Xellos was never a human. I believe that he has always been a big black cone although I still wish he was human so for the point of this fanfic I went against what I usually believe in and wrote it as he was human.  
  
I felt like explaining in my own twisted way why he's so messed up. I was thinking about all those fics that start off that he's a human and then taken away from home and just 'poof' he's a great mazoku, I doubted that's how one becomes so twisted by just being turned into a demon. He must have been abused somehow ne?  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
~How do you feel?  
How do you hate?  
How do you wake up  
With the smile that's on your face?~  
  
  
Xellos looked up at his master, his grin plastered to his face. She dismissed him and so he teleported himself to his room.  
  
It had been over 200 years since he had become the killing machine he was known to be today. He learnt to be the best. In every way. It's true, he had to learn to be a mazoku for before he was ever the General/Priest of Zelas, he was a mer human boy, sold to the Beastmaster by his parents. After that day, after his freedom was sold away, he became cold, he didn't care either. And yet....there was always a part of him that still remembered his life as a human....  
  
~Out on the moon  
If I was an astronaut  
Could I get back to you?~  
  
He remembered things like his younger sister who his parents had sold to a whore house so they could buy more booze. Just to drink themselves to their graves. He could still remember what happened that day.   
  
*flash back*  
  
"Imouto-chan! Where are they bringing you!?" Xellos called out to his little sister as their father dragged her to the woman.   
  
"Xellos! I don't wanna go!!! Xellos!!!" Her high pitched screams filled the air. Xellos watched from the house as the woman gave his father a leather bag with was the money to buy his sister.  
  
Xellos ran out of the house as the woman slapped his sister across the face for crying. He leaped for her but just as his hand was to reach hers, his father stepped up and kneed Xellos in the stomach.   
  
"Boy....you'll be sold next if you don't watch yourself!" His father growled and spat on him. Xellos rolled over just as his sister was tied up and placed on a horse to be rod back into town.  
  
*End flash back*  
  
~I'm out of my head  
I'm out of excuses so I'm  
Staring at the bed  
It's you, it's you~  
  
Xellos had a bleak expression on his face, his mind had left his shell to god knows where. He just stood there looking at his bed like he was a puppet with no puppet master. His mind had wandered again. This time to another part of his past. This one was of his training to be the demon he was now.  
  
~I hold on, I hold on  
(I can't let go)  
And you don't know  
How I feel~  
  
*flash back*  
  
"Xellos! You worthless bastard! I payed your parents good money for you! You're more of a headache to me then a bargain! You horrible piece of crap! I try to train you to live up to me! YOUR MASTER! You're a fucking waste of time and air!" Zelas cursed him out. This was part of his training. Mazoku had to be emotionless therefor if a human could hold out being abused in every way, then they were worthy of being of the mazoku race.  
  
~Hold on, I hold on  
(I'd sell my soul)  
And you don't know  
How I feel~  
  
Every part of him wanted to break down. At first, he could stand his masters cursing but as he questioned his being, he wondered, maybe he really was worthless and maybe his parents were right to sell his pitiful self to Zelas.  
  
~Losing my heart  
Losing my pride~  
  
She had chopped him down, what little self-esteem he had was breaking and burning. Just as Zelas raised her hand to slap him, Xellos lost it. He broke the emotional barrier.   
  
Zelas hand came down upon his cheek in a hard swipe. She struck him good.  
  
His face was turned away from his master. She wondered....was the boy crying, his shoulders shook his little frame but then.....a sadistic laugh was faintly heard from the boy.   
  
He looked up at his master with a smile. Eyes closed.   
  
~I'd burn initials in the sun  
If it would shine~  
  
He smiled his now well known smile to Zelas. He took her hand in his left hand and with her long and sharp claw-like nails he precede to cut his right wrist. The blood spued out of his arm as he cut himself deeper. He knew he was ready to become her Priest.  
  
~I need a fresh start  
I was in heaven   
Until this world fell apart~  
  
His human body clapped to the floor in a puddle of his own blood. He was ready to be reborn! He was ready to serve Zelas and to live out eternity as a mazoku.  
  
*end flash back*  
  
~Out on the run  
Out on this empty space  
Since all of this begun  
I tried, I tried~  
  
Xellos shook his head slowly. Just remembering those days made him feel cold inside and out. "Oh Xellos....You're just being stupid again. You're worthless and hopeless. You're a lost cause and a BASTARD! YOU DESERVE DEATH! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN MY PRESENCE!" Xellos mimicked Zelas. He did this sometimes to abuse himself for fun and other times was to make sure he was still the heartless bastard he was molded to be.  
  
~I hold on, I hold on  
(I can't let go)  
And you don't know  
How I feel  
Hold on, I hold on  
(I'd sell my soul)  
And you don't know  
How I feel~

  


"Why do I keep remembering the past!! Didn't you haunt me enough!?!" Xellos screamed to himself as he saw flashes of his sister and his parents. "Mazoku aren't s'posed to feel this way......we aren't s'posed to regret the past.....So why do?" Xellos murmured to himself. His eyes were open but a pain seemed to flood them.  
  
~And nothing seems to heal  
And nothing seems to work  
And nothing is as beautiful~  
  
"I don't want to be haunted by those dreams anymore! Why am I different from other mazoku!? Why do I feel these things!!?!?!?" Xellos screamed.   
  
He was about to tear open his chest but then Zelas appeared. "I made you differently, Xellos....A mazoku who was first a human will always have feelings like regret and anger. But as you're different, you are stronger. You feel the things others don't so therefor you are better equipped. But you shouldn't be digging for those feelings either...." Zelas raised her brow.   
  
Xellos stopped and though about her last sentence. Digging? Was he bringing out his own pain? Was it his fault for feeling like this?  
  
~I'm old enough  
To take all the blame  
For all the mistakes~  
  
"You still dwell on letting your sister being taken away. You think it's your fault for not saving her." Zelas added.  
  
Xellos look up.  
  
~All the games and all the faces  
I'm bleeding by myself  
And I'm okay~  
  
"You're right. And She's gone and I'm still here.....tough luck for her." Xellos grinned. He pushed back those feelings for his master and regained his smile. As he placed the smile back to his face, the emotional barrier bled away whatever was left of his human feelings. He didn't care if human feelings made him stronger, he got rid of them all that day and he never looked back on his human life again.  
  
~ hold on  
And you don't know  
How I feel~  
  
  
~*~*~*~

I really have a twisted way of doing songfics....I always do depressing songs and always look into the dark side of a character. Maybe I'll have to do some for Lina, Gourry, Filia, Valgarv and Amelia next time around. But here's the hard part....How do you make a character like Gourry or Amelia seem messed up and dark and depressed!? I think I found a new challenge....  
  
  



End file.
